where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
