he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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