I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
