around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
