I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
