Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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