guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
