onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
