I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Shame - the story of my life.
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