I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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