remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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