I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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