so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
