I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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