He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
