You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
