i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
