i love accidental penises.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
