If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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