we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
