He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
