Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sorry my hands just texted you
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
