Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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