no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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