I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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