I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
