I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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