the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
