Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
