it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
