I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
