Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
