Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
