and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm getting married
To pizza
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
