Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
