Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
