I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All the doctor said was why
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
