Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
