Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
