wake up i wanna do it froggy style
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
