i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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