he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
