this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
