Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
