he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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