why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
