She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
