hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
