Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
