which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
