Plan B is the new Plan A
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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