after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
