i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
